A: my biggest roadblock to fully committing to music?
i asked myself constantly:
-if i make this song, will it be good?
—if i make an album, will it go anywhere?
-what kind of genre should i make to be successful?
-what do i need to write about to connect with people?
-what should my image be?
essentially it became:
who should i be in order to do music?
i had really low self esteem and couldn’t fathom that being myself would be the answer
i didnt trust myself, or my thoughts, my opinions or my creativity.
of course this lead to constant comparison. it was awful. collaborating is still hard for me because of this.
i was in a wicked creative funk after i released my album in 2015 and i got depressed, really depressed.
ever since then i’ve been rebuilding my views on music since then in a positive light. writing songs because i want to express what i think instead of because i “should” be writing, or to get good enough at it in order to “like myself”.
i thought if i got good enough at music and enough people liked it then maybe i could like myself too
music felt super uncertain for someone who didn’t trust themselves.
a side note:
i also always wanted music lessons but self rationalized it as i am an expense, so i felt like one and felt bad about getting them the short time i did.
i couldn’t bear the thought that i was “wasting my dads money” on my vocal/guitar lessons so i stopped.
this is enlightening.
have you experienced anything similar / what have your challenges been?
Overthinking is a disease. Its all of your thoughts. You think your thoughts are real.
It’s the constant analyzing, judging, compartmentalizing, rationalizing, and resistance you feel, all the time. Sometimes you wake up without it, for a few seconds, you’re free until you remember yesterday’s woes.
But, it’s a habit.
Habits can be broken.
It’s an addiction.
Addictions can be overcome.
It’s what keeps you up at night when your brain is running.
It’s what dissolves you from your senses. When you can no longer notice smells, tastes, sounds as vibrant as they can be.
It’s when you become detached from your body.
You’re apart from your sensations. Disconnected. You are living trapped inside your own head.
It’s constant fear. It’s the protection of your tiny self-image you created through random experiences at an impressionable young age of who you are and who you are to become.
It’s limiting because it says anything outside of that image is scary. We talk about comfort zones and all, but it’s a whole new level when you’re afraid to do something because it violates your dominant and controlling limited self-image.
It’s the constant seeking for validation and appreciation. It’s the continuous comparison of how good or bad what you make is, what you do, and eventually who you are.
It’s a lonely place living upstairs in your head. You have to realize you’re a human too at some point.
But once you come to step downstairs and breathe deeply, the shallow constricting chest tightness disappears. You can really begin to listen to others, in the moment, truly, because you’re not spinning up what to say next or classifying or analyzing this person.
You become open to learning because your mind isn’t constantly cycling what it already knows, whether good or bad.
You become open to doing. You can finally take action when you become detached to the outcome. You stop needing results to be happy. You may get to the point that you’re paralyzed to do anything at all out of fear of unpleasing results.
You become present. You are fully stepping into the moment that you are in. Life becomes richer, deeper, and you become nostalgic for when you were a child, and you lived like this — safe in the moment.
All the past and future are just abstractions of the mind. Yes, things do occur in subsequent events. But what a shame it is, to look back and never be fully there in all the experiences you went through.
You become humble because you’re no longer protecting a small self-image and identity. You can move towards the growth mindset because you’re not afraid to fail when your identity doesn’t rest on the outcome.
You do it actually to enjoy the process. Literally. You learn that the process IS the destination.
Many people go their whole lives wanting the benefits of being rich or famous, say in music.
They wanted this dream so bad that they are blinded to the fact that they haven’t written a song in years, because they’d rather live in their dream reality of success than to actually work and fail, and tarnish the image.
Regarding procrastination and resistance, ego makes coming to the present moment EXTREMELY difficult in order to create.
Many articles have half-hearted attempts at helping procrastination and writer’s block, resistance, what have you. Like, take a walk!
But no, it’s all ego. It’s ‘protection.’ It doesn’t want you to create anything because by default creativity is destruction. It’s chaos. It’s making something out of nothing. The ego doesn’t ever want to be vulnerable enough to do that, so it avoids it. Your self-image becomes on the line. You view yourself as a reflection of your work.
But you cannot tie your self-image to anything intangible. Anything that is not real is but oƒ the mind. Well, you can’t tie it to your house or cars either..
Then what can you do then though?
YOU become so secure in the moment that you are safe, and you are free from your own judgment. You start to breathe fully again and disassociate from the thoughts that occur. You stop running after thoughts like dogs in the park, and then you break your attachment to them, and eventually, they fade away.
Imagine your thoughts, now wiggle them. It’s funny huh? Those images of serious concerns and worries, all start wiggling. This is your first step to freedom.
You cannot take what you think so seriously, so wiggle on.
Oh, the mind and its wonders. The brains pretty small for the chaos it creates.
P.S. Guided body scan meditations work best for me because they focus on feeling the sensations in your body. That’s VERY hard if you’re very detached from sensing. Focusing on my feet has been the easiest so far.
I felt freedom the first time I tried this years ago. A personal favorite of mine.